Friday, February 27, 2009

Thank You!

Six months ago today, I met the two most precious angels ever. They only got to stay with us for a very short while, but we are the best of friends! Today (as I do everyday) I checked the mail, and as some of you know...I am short and I can't actually see into the mailbox! (That's what I get for buying a fancy one because it was on sale!) But today it was kinda fun, I reached in and there were several pieces of mail as I felt them one stuck out in my mind, it was a small envelope and it had a linen finish, I always get excited when it is something other than bills! So I quickly pulled it out and ripped it open, I didn't even look to see who it was from. But as I got it open it was not at all what I had expected, the beautiful card turned out to be a sympathy/thinking of you card from the nurses at the hospital where the girls were born! Most of who's names I didn't actually remember and I had to ask Mr. K to tell me which one they were. But as I read the different notes from each women I really stopped and thought. These women barley new me, they met at the most terrifying moment in my life, and they thought enough to send us a card to say they were think of us! While we were in the hospital the nurses had been amazing, several (Mr.K tells me) refused to leave when there shifts were over! I never expected to find a group of women who cared so much, our situation was very different from most all of the other deliveries that day, but they really did care about us and they took wonderful care of Adison & Lillian!
I have to say I think these women are amazing! I was already very grateful to them for all the wonderful things they did for us, but today they deserve A GREAT BIG THANK YOU!!!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Under the Tree - February

So these are my answers to this months Under the Tree Gathering. Thanks Carly for stating this! And thanks to everyone for reading!

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I haven't been blogging for very long...I guess I started around the first of February...I have wanted to do it for a while, but it just took me a while to decided to do it! I wanted to start blogging to get all of these things off my chest! I have a lot going on in my head and I need a way to get it out, so this looked like a good place, and so far it is. I want to connect with other women who have been/are where I am...I keep hearing that I am not alone on this journey, but I want to know it!

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
It is hard for me to share me real feelings with most people, including a lot of my family. Mr. K (my husband) is really the only person and I can say anything and everything too with out any fear what so ever. Most of my family doesn't understand what we are going threw and I get the feeling they think I should have moved on by now! At home I can be myself, I can stay in my PJ's if I want, I can eat a half gallon of chocolate cake batter ice cream with chocolate sprinkles if I want and no one, not a single person is going to tell me I can't and if they do (which they are bound too) Mr. K will tell them to get over it! And T has a better answer but, it is not appropriate here!

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
I have only read two books, and I am not sure that either them have given me new insight but they have help a little! The first my best cousin gave me (A friend of hers recommended it, it had helped her the year before!) and it is; Empty Cradle Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of your Baby by: Deborah L. Davis, at first I hated hated it! I read half a chapter, put it down and didn't pick it up for almost two months...but when I did it seemed to say a lot of things that I really felt and some how, it helped. The second book, Stubby sent me (She is the BEST and always so thoughtful, I miss you Stubby!)...and I have to admit, I haven't finished it...I really want to! But it is; Grieving the Child I Never Knew: A Devotional Companion for Comfort in the Loss of Your Unborn or Newly Born Child , the few devotionals that I have done really made me think...but some of the questions did not feel like they related to me...but I haven't given up on it yet!

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
Naive, happy-go-lucky, perky and young? I truthfully did not think things like this happened...well not to me! There was just know way anything was going to go wrong...we were all going to be one big happy family! I feel old now, I feel like I aged overnight! And I know I have become, well...a little bitchy! I am unhappy, and I definitely don't bounce around and smile all of the time! It is the new me, but I don't want to be this person for ever!! I won't be!

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
My coping, or lack of coping, changes from day to day! Some days I think I am doing just fine and other days, I have no idea what coping means! Today the road is half lit...most days it is dark, with small patches of light! I can see the light, I know I can, but it is fading and for the most part it is dark...very dark! In a year, I want to be strongly considering trying again/or pregnant...I really really hope to be there! I wish that is where I was now, but I'm not!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I am not cazy!

Yesterday I learned a valuable bit of information from T. And it has really made me think!
If you don't already know, and most of you will - Mr. K's parents lost there first born son due to his mothers incompetent cervix as well. Which considering how I feel about my "Monster-In-Law" is a fact that I wish I could did not have to face. At first I had hoped that this could help us reconcile and work threw of our issues and eventually help us to all get along, but the answer is NO! Apparently SHE is the victim in all of this, she is the victim in everything! So the less I have in common with her the better. And yes, it kills me that this is "the thing" we have in common.
So back to the point, I have been saying for a while now that I don't want to only think/talk about having another baby...there are other things in my life, and lets face it, it is not the best time for us. However slowly but surly, I have felt myself going that way! And the more I think about it the more I wish I was not becoming this person...but it is just right there in my head...all of the time!!!
So as T and I were sewing yesterday (which was oh so much fun!) I learned that MIL, became obsessed with having a child after the loss of their first son. And we all know that their second son is Mr.K! So this where the wheels start turning, as crazy as she is and apparently was, especially during that time in her life...was it all bad...I mean somewhere somehow was she looking out for me, you know making sure I found my soul mate?? The love of my life was the result, so doesn't that make some sort of since? So in turn, is it possible to say that if we do have more children, they too will one day be the love of someones life? But how do we know when it is it the right time? Or will ever be the right time? I don't know the answer to those questions..and I guess I never will, but I wish I did!
So for now, this is me saying I know I am not going crazy, and I somehow I know I never will!
I am just keeping an eye out!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Am I?

I'm sitting here with Mr. K catching up on our DVR tonight, and I am reading different blogs of women and it makes me a little sad. Not just for us but for them too! So many of these women have gone through months and months of infertility and IVF only to have it all pulled out from underneath of them when you least expect it! And again and again I stumble on blogs of women that have been threw this two or three times! I don't know that my heart could handle that! How could you?

So that makes me question what I have been thinking for the past few weeks! As much as it probably isn't the best time for us...I really....really want to try again! It is almost all I think about, and much to Mr. K's protest, I keep bringing it up! I know he wanted originally wanted to talk about trying again this month, but with me not having a job it is not the first thing on his mind! And I don't blame him! But I can't help but think..there are reasons for everything. And maybe it really is the right time for us to try again...lets face it, I am going to be on bed rest practically the entire time, so what better way to do it when I don't have a job?

But the real question that I should be asking myself is...Are we emotionally ready? And the sad but true answer is probably not! I think I am but...deep down inside...I'm not! I can barely look at pictures of babies...I cry! I find myself in the baby section at just about any store, holding little girl clothes...I don't even realize I am doing it until Mr. K catches me! And I can't make threw a trip to Babies R Us...or Toys R Us for that matter!

So why do I think I am ready? The truth is...I guess I'm NOT!
I want the grils back!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Who would have thought!

So on Saturday I had the dramatic conclusion to my LONG week! And it was not at all how I wanted it to end! But Alas it did!
So my good friend C is getting married in May and Saturday she had a bridal shower way out in I, Boeing a good friend, went! I do know several of her friends but none of them were there on Saturday, so I had to mingle and make new friends! Which I was surprisingly good at! But it really could have just been them! So I was setting with a large group of gals that were the grooms High School friends wives, who really are nice! But as I was the one that was new to the group they asked me a LOT of questions! First they were simple:" Where do you live?", "How do you know C?", etc...all was going well! Until one got a text from her husband with a picture of her 6 month old just giggling away...she really was precious! But then they all started talking about there Kids, or lack of, or lack of desire to ever have them! So for a while they were just swapping stories and talking about what was going on...but then all of the sudden, they turned to me in unison and it went a little something like this:

Them: "So, do you have any kids?"

Me: "'s complicated..."

Them: "Complicated what do you mean?"

Me: " I said it is complicated..."

But that wasn't enough! It continued:

The One who didn't want Children: "Believe me we won't judge you...just tell don't want kids do you? I can't stand them! Go ahead tell us!"

Me: "No! We really want children, it is just complicated!"

The One that is having problems conceiving: "Oh are you having a hard time conceiving...don't get will work out!"

At this point I should have just said...YES! But I couldn't for some reason...and I didn't want these women to pity me, I just wanted to go back to visiting like we were before! But I didn't!

Me: "Well no...that's not really the problem..."

The one who is older: "...oh are you not sure if you and your husband are going to stick it out...I didn't think...we were for years...but its OK..just tell us! " (and yes...she was begging!)

Me: "NO! NO! NO! I love my husband...I have since I was 18 years old...that's not it! I just don't want to talk about it! END! OF! STORY!"

So now I have yelled and more than just our little table are looking and I feel like an idiot! So I apologize several times and then excuse myself, so that I could gain my composure! I didn't mean to get upset, I just saw no reason to tell a group of strangers my story...I didn't want there pity and I just wanted them to drop it!
But as I quickly walked to the ladies, I started crying...and as I crossed the bar at this restaurant...T(the groom)saw me and apparently rushed back to the table I had been sitting at and asked if they new why I was crying! But they had no idea why I was T told them what he new...and apparently they all started crying...
So as I walk out of the ladies, I am met by the 6 gals that I had been sitting with, all of whom are blotting there eyes...and I felt like an idiot! This is when T walked up and said he spilt the beans... and that he felt horrible!
But so this group of women that didn't know me from Adam were being supportive! I was not expecting that...who would? Some of my family members aren't that how could these women be!
It was completely against everything that my heart and my mind told me it was going to be! I never tell people that I don't know...I just don't...but am I missing out on something? I can't help but think that I am not...but I guess it is possible! And no it won't change how I answer the question, why should it! But it is nice to know that some people out there actually do care, even if they don't know you!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

It has been a LONG week

This week has been a doozy, we have had House Guest..and not the good kind!
For those who don't know; Mr. K's good friend was killed in an accident a few years ago and this week his widow and her "boyfriend" came to town to take care of a few things, and have been staying with us. This is only the second time for us to meet said "boyfriend", the first time was our we really didn't "get to know" him! Well this week we did! And let me tell you, all of the reason I didn't like him before were just compounded this we added about 1,000 more!
I know I talk a lot, but this guy...he didn't STOP talking, even when all he was doing was digging himself into a hole! He never stopped...from them time he got out of bed in the morning until he got back in that night! And he was just down right disrespectful at times! Actually they both were! And yes, I could sit here and tell you all of the things that they did that drove me nuts, but I won't!
My point is, the whole experience was just so strange! We have know her for quite a while, but this week...I didn't feel like I knew her at all! I'm not sure who she is anymore, she is not woman I met, 7 years ago, she is not the friend who loves to shop just as much as I do, and she is not the same woman who lost her husband 4 years ago! I know we all change, but do we change into people that are so different from who we were that we don't even know if the old person is in there at all? I guess we do, I know I am not the same person I was just 6 monts ago...but I hope my old self is still recognizable to those who look for it!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Adison Grace & Lillian Marie

Well just because I have been thinking a LOT about that crazy day last August, and we are coming up on 6 months, I can’t believe it has gone by so fast! I thought I would finally post our story.

Last spring, Mr. K and I realized, quite abruptly that I was pregnant. So we quickly made an appointment to see my Dr. And two days later it was confirmed, we were expecting our first two children, twin girls! We were super excited! We couldn’t wait to tell our family and friends! And I couldn’t wait to SHOP! From the very first day we did everything just like we should…and it was a pretty typical pregnancy. But because of the fact it was twins we would see my OB one week and the specialist the next and everything seemed to be going fine. On Monday morning, August 25, 2008, I woke up at about 5am and I was having these horrible pains that I thought felt like what contractions would feel like, but I was not sure. Nothing had changed and the girls were moving regularly so I thought it would be OK, but as I started to get ready for work it got worse...a lot worse! So Mr. K and I decided that we would go to the Dr instead of work. We called from the car on the way and they were waiting on us when we go there. They hooked me up to the monitor and did an ultra sound and everything was normal and there was no movement of my uterus or my cervix. But the girls had grown a lot so we were assured that it was just normal growth pains. I went home for the rest of the day and just took it easy. Tuesday was normal and the pain seemed to stop until about 6pm. And all of the sudden it started again and it was very intense. But I had an appointment with the specialist the following morning so I was not too worried, at first. About 130am I was trying to get comfortable and relax in bed and my water broke and the girls started moving like crazy...I was terrified. We quickly threw a bag together and hopped in the car, we made it all the way to Texas Women's in less than 15 minutes. When we got there they took me right in to a room and started hooking me up to a monitor to find their heart beats, which they found, with some trouble, but not any more than normal. As one nurse was moving the monitor around the other was asking me questions, ridiculous questions, like if Mr. K ever hit me and were we happy, all I could think about was we didn't have car seats! At that point I had no idea. After they found the heart beats they did an exam and the nurse looked at me in horror and said she would be right back. Not two minutes later the on call Dr was in the room with about 3 specialists to do a second exam. At this point they told us that Baby A (Adison) was outside of the whom and would be delivered within the next few hours. At this point they gave us all of the statistics about the girls being born at 23 weeks and told us to call our family. Kevin and I went over and over it in our heads we just didn't believe it, there was just no way was this happening. My parents got there just before 6am and Mr. K’s Dad about 730am. Just after 6am my OB arrived, Dr. R, he just sat with us for a while and then he went over everything with us, which was a lot more helpful. He explained that it seemed I had an incompetent cervix, something I had only briefly read about. The only thing I heard at that point was “next time” we can do this or that…I didn’t care about ‘NEXT TIME”…I wanted it THIS TIME!!! Beautiful little Adison Grace was born sleeping at 8:02am, after a very easy labor. It was surreal. It still is. We held her for a while and then had our family come back in so they could meet her and it was the hardest thing I had ever done, introducing my little girl to her family…a family that would never fully get to know her. Dr. R came in and as he was telling us that baby B (Lillian) looked like she would sit tight for a while and we might be able to go a few more days before delivering her in hopes that she could grow and get stronger, Lillian decided that she wasn’t going to stay put, if her sister was out she was going to be too, just after 930am my contractions started again. And after what seemed like agony precious Lillian Marie was born at 11am. She cried and we couldn't believe it! Could this really be happening? It only lasted a few seconds and just a moment later Mr. K and I held her as she took her final breath, she was gone. They were both gone and we were devastated. What were we going to do? How is this possible? Why would God let something like this happen? But it has! The staff at the hospital was so great! We could not have asked for better nurses, Dr's or staff. They made us these great memory boxes with the girls foot prints and hand prints and pictures. They dressed them in the most wonderful little dresses and wrapped them in, blankets made by volunteers. They brought them in again all dressed and cleaned up. And we kept them with us and cried with our families as we took time holding them and saying our goodbyes. It was so hard leaving the hospital and I was not sure I could do it, but somehow we managed. The following Tuesday we buried the girls by Mr. K’s brother and grandparents. The last 6 months, have been hard…Thanksgiving, their due date, Christmas, New Years. But life is going on, slowly but surely…I still have days were I don’t believe any of this happened to us, but it has! And it hurts!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

All I can say is WOW

So just as I finished the previous post I was closing down my open windows and as I do I refreshed the page...and was SHOCKED to find the following!
I have been sitting here just crying and crying. Mr. K didn't know what was going on at first and I couldn't even speak! He finally came over to look and just sat next to me a cried too! It is strange I know, but we needed this tonight! I am so thankful! tomorrow I am going to have these printed and framed to hang in our bedroom!

This makes me sick!

So I follow the blog of a woman named Carly in Western Australia that started a wonderful project in memory of her son Christian, she and her family write the names of other Angel babies and children in the sand on the beach near there home.
It has taken me weeks ... no months, to gather up the courage to send this wonderful woman a line and ask her to write the names of our girls, I finally did it yesterday morning! However today as I am was looking at her blog, she has a new post..."Being Used...I feel sick!" Apparently a woman here in the states thought it would be a laugh..."he he" pretend that she had lost her three children and request there names! The woman considered it "a little white lie"! A LITTLE WHITE LIE! That her children where DEAD!!! You must be joking, oh but NO! NO! NO! She wasn't! She apparently just wanted something new and pretty for home! She even had the nerve to brag about it on a parenting forum!!! How could some one do this! Is she crazy! Has she lost her mind, did she ever have one! Carly and her family have written the names of 2965 children since August 19, 2008! That is amazing, something to be proud of!
Having been where I have/am I would NEVER EVER want to tell someone my children were dead and they weren't! It is hard for me to tell people they are gone, but I can't imagine telling a lie about it! How...Why...Do you have a soul? I think not! How can you even look at your self in the mirror! How can you get dressed in the morning! Or better yet how can this woman kiss her children goodnight?
So to the woman who tells her "little white lie", I feel sorry for you...yes for you! You have to get up each morning and look at yourself in the mirror and kiss and hug your children! (And your right, I can't kiss or hug my daughters!) But YES I feel sorry for you!

And to Carly and your family...I am praying for you! What you do is amazing! And is something to be proud of! Kiss and Hug your girls, and remember you are AMAZING and what you do really touches people...deep down too their core!

I am not as tech savvy as I like to think!

So for years I have thought of myself as a very tech savvy person, that is until today!
So if you look below, I posted some pictures of my plants...just so you know that took me the better part of an hour (and its still not the pictures I wanted)!! Every time they would load it wouldn't be the pictures that I had selected! And that drove me crazy. Then I was going to post some pictures of the valentine I made, it is cute and thought it would be fun to ever I can't get the darn camera to work properly! It flashes when it shouldn't and doesn't when it should...making the pictures look like poop! Oh of all the times for Mr. K to be at work, he could fix this instantly if he were here...but alas he is not! But why must things be so complicated! I did pull out the manual on the camera (yes I knew exactly where to find it...believe it or not!) but gave up after there were 4, count them 1, 2, 3, 4 pages on how to set the date and time! And yes I know what you are thinking the manual is probably 4"x4" but it isn't, it is more like 5"x7"! I did get the date and time changed, if you look at my flower pictures it says they were taken in 2006, but I didn't read the manual for that! I guess as I get older and all of these crazy things continue to happen to me take up the space in my brain that was for my tech savvyness has gone to being depressed or to holding on repressed feelings! Who knows but I want it back! And quick...I have other things to do today!

Friday, February 13, 2009

My Plants

So I have become very excited with gardening! I haven't actually put anything in the ground but I have lots of pots all around the front of the house and I have to say it really has made it a lot nicer! But I am afraid this could be another expensive hobby!

I know will enjoy it. I am so excited about all of this I think I want to start a vegetable garden, and I think this could be very productive! So tomorrow Mr. K and I are going to stake out an area of our back yard for my garden. And I think I am going to grow Tomatoes, Bell Peppers, Carrots, squash, cucumbers, and zuchini. Mr. K thinks we should also add Watermelons and Cantaloupe to this list, but we will see if we have enough room for all of that! But tomorrow I will take pictures of all of my pretty new plants and post them...I have to say they are perfect! So wish me luck!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My Granny, Oh My!

So today I took my Granny to the Dr, this is a regular thing for me these days! Today was, shall we say, extra EXTRA FUN for several reasons! First, she swore she had exact directions, she didn't! We drove around for thirty minuets before we finally found it! (Just so you know it was not all her fault, there was not a sign!) Second, there was a 15 page questionnaire to fill out, the Nurse had asked to mail it to her last week but she said NO!! (Ofcourse she did) She made it threw 4 pages before she gave up...I ended up filling out the remaining, as she complained about how long it was taking me, plus she was not very helpful giving me the answers that I didn't know! Third, she insisted on talking about ever patient that came in the office going on and on about how large and bad they all looked! And yes some of these people could here her! Forth, she pretended that she couldn't do anything for her self and made the nurse take her shoes and socks off! Fifth, when we finally left-over two hours later, we had to go and get her a new cane. The first place we stopped didn't have the type of cane she needs in stock, so we went on. The second place we went she had been too a few weeks ago and apparently was not very nice to the sales woman, whom was still pretty angry today! The sales woman ended up telling us that there were several other medical supply places down the block and that we would have better luck there! (With a smile she walked us to the door!) Personally I don't think Granny was solely to blame, but I have no way to prove that! We finally found a medical supply place, that can and is willing to get us what she wanted! Seventh, every thing that I suggested to have for lunch she responded with, "I'm not real impressed with that place."! At this point I had had enough, so I took her home and no we did NOT eat lunch! And lastly...while we were at the Dr, he specifically told her she was not to have ANY sodium or Diet Dr Pepper (NONE...ZERO...NADA)! But when we finally arrived home what did she do... well the only thing imaginable, she poured herself a Diet Dr Pepper! At this point I looked at her and said, "I guess you don't want to get any better" to which she said " Yes I do, why would you say that?" I looked at the Diet Dr Pepper she poured and left, there was not anything I could say! Now do you understand why I said "OH MY!"

What's the deal...YO!

So you might not know, but lately I have been feeling a wee bit lonely! And it just seems to be getting worse, it has gotten as bad as me holding on to Kevin the other night and begging him not to go to work as I was crying my eyes out...and yes I felt like a 5 year old, but I didn't want him to go!! I don't know what came over me I just couldn't take him leaving! For the most part I am fine, but I just don't want to be alone...and that happens a lot these days! I never expected to be unemployed, but then again I haven't expected a lot of things lately! And as I sit here tonight I realize what my problem with being alone mind stats running so fast that I can't stop it and it goes places I might not want it to go! I just end up thinking about the girls and well that just makes me sad and/or angry. And yes I know I have about a trillion things that I could/should/want to do, but I never seem to have the energy to get much done...except when I have help! Oh and one last thing to wrap up this rant...I am spending way to much time might be for groceries or cloths or craft stuff...I just can't seem to help myself! Now granted it is all on sale, but I MUST find a way to STOP!!! Even though I think it is my very own version of therapy! Our pocket book just can't take it much longer!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Lets Try Again!

OK so seeing as my first attempt at doing this didn't go as well as I thought, I am going to try this again!
So I started a blog before but I only got to log into it once and every other time I tried to log back in I couldn't! Oh how frustrating! I was/still am very angry! But oh well...such is life! I am actually scared to log out, but alas I have other things to do!
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