Thursday, February 26, 2009

Under the Tree - February

So these are my answers to this months Under the Tree Gathering. Thanks Carly for stating this! And thanks to everyone for reading!

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I haven't been blogging for very long...I guess I started around the first of February...I have wanted to do it for a while, but it just took me a while to decided to do it! I wanted to start blogging to get all of these things off my chest! I have a lot going on in my head and I need a way to get it out, so this looked like a good place, and so far it is. I want to connect with other women who have been/are where I am...I keep hearing that I am not alone on this journey, but I want to know it!

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
It is hard for me to share me real feelings with most people, including a lot of my family. Mr. K (my husband) is really the only person and I can say anything and everything too with out any fear what so ever. Most of my family doesn't understand what we are going threw and I get the feeling they think I should have moved on by now! At home I can be myself, I can stay in my PJ's if I want, I can eat a half gallon of chocolate cake batter ice cream with chocolate sprinkles if I want and no one, not a single person is going to tell me I can't and if they do (which they are bound too) Mr. K will tell them to get over it! And T has a better answer but, it is not appropriate here!

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
I have only read two books, and I am not sure that either them have given me new insight but they have help a little! The first my best cousin gave me (A friend of hers recommended it, it had helped her the year before!) and it is; Empty Cradle Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of your Baby by: Deborah L. Davis, at first I hated hated it! I read half a chapter, put it down and didn't pick it up for almost two months...but when I did it seemed to say a lot of things that I really felt and some how, it helped. The second book, Stubby sent me (She is the BEST and always so thoughtful, I miss you Stubby!)...and I have to admit, I haven't finished it...I really want to! But it is; Grieving the Child I Never Knew: A Devotional Companion for Comfort in the Loss of Your Unborn or Newly Born Child , the few devotionals that I have done really made me think...but some of the questions did not feel like they related to me...but I haven't given up on it yet!

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
Naive, happy-go-lucky, perky and young? I truthfully did not think things like this happened...well not to me! There was just know way anything was going to go wrong...we were all going to be one big happy family! I feel old now, I feel like I aged overnight! And I know I have become, well...a little bitchy! I am unhappy, and I definitely don't bounce around and smile all of the time! It is the new me, but I don't want to be this person for ever!! I won't be!

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
My coping, or lack of coping, changes from day to day! Some days I think I am doing just fine and other days, I have no idea what coping means! Today the road is half lit...most days it is dark, with small patches of light! I can see the light, I know I can, but it is fading and for the most part it is dark...very dark! In a year, I want to be strongly considering trying again/or pregnant...I really really hope to be there! I wish that is where I was now, but I'm not!


Julie said...

Hello Mrs A, thanks for sharing. Julie

Lea said...

Thanks for sharing. I think this is such an important exercise that Carly has started. I relate to so much of what you said...
One point - the book "Greiving the Child I never Knew" - I have that one too and have read a bit of it. I just can't get past the title! We KNOW our babies regardless of whether they are here with us or not. I know when Nicholas slept in my belly, when he was partying, when he had the hiccups! Sorry... the title really bothers me. :)

Stay strong.

Carly Marie said...

Thank you for being brave enough to go first!

I too feel like I have aged overnight, like 30 years. I feel safest and most happy at home too!

All my love to you


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