The Secret Garden Meeting - July

The Secret Garden Meeting used to be known as Under The Tree. This is a place for hope, healing, acceptance, support, and most importantly a place to be free and safe. These are this months questions and my answers. Please join us!

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
I see the girls in Heaven. I always seem to think of them as toddlers, maybe even a bit older. I know that they are happy and that they are playing up a storm with some very dear friends of ours that are also gone from this earth too soon. Mr. K likes to say that they are getting into all sorts of trouble with these friends, that they are teaching them all kinds of crazy things and that they are having a blast! I hope that is true. From time to time I dream about getting the girls dressed for school, it is the first day and we are trying to get everything figured out. Here lately there are other children in this dream, I am hoping that is a good sign!

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
I am not sure yet. Maybe this is wrong of me but I do not consider the ectopic pregnancy from March a true pregnancy. It was over before it even started, I had not even gotten my head around the whole thing before I was whisked away to surgery. I keep hoping that we get to a point where we are TTC soon, but I know that will not happen. I do know that when we do conceive again things will be much different. There will be no stress from friends and family, Mr. K will NOT allow it! And I am almost positive I will put myself on bed rest almost immediately, if the Dr's don't do it for me! In several ways I am looking forward to trying again and in others I am very scared. But all of this is something I imagine is a long way down the road for us right now!

Under the Tree - June

These are my answers to this months Under the Tree Gathering! Its a little different but still a lot of fun! Thanks for reading!

Hair Color: Blonde
Eye color: Blue/Green

Profession: Unemployed Interior Designer

Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:

Favorite color: PINK

Favorite movie: American President

Favorite animal: Butterfly…does that count?

Favorite store: Hobby Lobby and Pottery Barn

Favorite childhood memory: Going to Sea World when I was five or six and me, my brother and two cousins all riding in one of those Dolphin strollers you can rent! We had the best time! Favorite hobby: Sewing and Gardening

Favorite song/singer: Michael Buble

Favorite book/author: I LOVE to read, but oddly enough I don’t have a favorite author…I just love to read…EVERYTHING!

Favorite school subject: History

Favorite vacation destination: I would love to go anywhere! But my favorite place in Texas is San Antonio

Favorite food: CHOCOLATE

Favorite restaurant: Santa Barbra, It’s a Mom and Pop Italian place not far from us!

This or That

Coke or pepsi : Coke, always coke...but I don't ever drink soda!

Beer or wine: Wine
Coffee or tea: Tea, I LOVE Tea!

Apple Juice or O.J.: Apple Juice

Summer or Winter: Summer

Cats or dogs: Dogs

Salty or sweet: Sweet!

Plane or boat: Sail Boat

Morning or night: Morning

Money or love: Love

Breakfast or Dinner: Breakfast, when Mr. Makes it!

Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness

House or apartment: House with a BIG yard

Like to cook: I LOVE LOVE to cook!

Have You Ever:

Got a speeding ticket: Yes, I have gotten way to many!

Wished you were someone else: More than once!

Cried during a movie: I always cry in movies!

Describe yourself in one word: Boring

Biggest fear: Either never getting pregnant again, or losing another child

Biggest mistake: I have a few to many of those too!

Your proudest accomplishment: I don’t think I have one!

Dream job: A Mom…

Special talents: Turning just about anything in to a craft project!

Where would you rather be at the moment: Playing with my girls!

Famous person you want to meet: That’s a tough one, I don’t know that I really want to meet a famous person…

Song to be played at your funeral: I haven’t really ever thought about that…at my Great Grand Mothers funeral we played “I just called to say I love you”, which I know is cheesy…but I like it!

Under the Tree - April

So these are my answers for the April Under the Tree Gathering, I know I am behind. But if you would like more info about the Under the Tree Gathering you can find it here. Thanks for stopping by and reading, it really means a lot to me!

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

We lost the Girls on August 27, 2008 so it has been 243 days today or 8 months! My grief has changed a lot at first I couldn't hardly get out of bed and then as time went on I got back into a routine and I started to feel better. But here lately I have been in this funk, and lets face it...it's been pretty bad! But especially over the last week I have felt a lot better, I have actually felt PERKY! It feels strange, but I like it! Life has been pretty tough, just thinking about things or going over things...it makes like tough, but I think I am getting to place where things move along at a good pace and I am not overwhelmed and I like it!

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

It depends, some days when I see pregnant women I get very emotional and some times even angry. I don't get angry at the women but at the whole situation in general...I guess I get angry at myself. Today I had jury duty and the States Attorney happened to be pregnant, very pregnant and as I sat there I was excited for her and I could tell how excited she was about it. So today is the first day I can say that I was not angry or upset about seeing or being around a pregnant woman.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

At first after the loosing the girls I just let myself be. But this spring working with my flowers and in the yard as really been good for me and also I thinking blogging has helped, even though everything I have blogged about lately has been sad! This past weekend Mr. K and I went to our first therapy secession and it went really well and I hope we enjoy going back and I hope we find some kind of comfort/peace but I know it will take a while.

The Roses in my Yard!

So I thought I would post pictures of the roses that are outside my kitchen window, I talked about them in my last post! I took these a few days ago and since they have grown a lot...if it clears up later I will take some more pictures of them later! When I got out there the other day to take these pictures I noticed that in the wind or something the roses had twisted together! It made me smile! But any way...Enjoy!!

Under the Tree - March

These are my answers to the March Under the Thee Gathering, if you want to know more about the Under the Tree Gatherings you can visit here. Thanks again Carly, I think this an amazing thing! And Thanks to those reading, it is nice to know you are there!

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?

I must admit when I first read this question I said to my self "No! No! How can I not have a place for Adison & Lillian", but then I remembered I do have a place! It is a new addition to the house, Mr. K and I just finished it a week or so ago!

I sent the images of the girls names in the sand (Thanks again Carly!) to the photo lab, framed, and hung them in our bedroom. And every night before I go to bed I blow the girls a kiss! I miss them, but now I feel like they are closer...that they are with us more these days!

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

I most defiantly believe in an afterlife, I believe that our girls have some very special people taking care of them, while we are apart. And that one day we will all be reunited. I see "signs" from them all over the place, just this morning I noticed two perfect little roses budding together on my rose bush outside of the kitchen window, and it made me smile and think of them! (I would take and post a picture but, it is raining like you would not believe outside!)

I have started dreaming about Adison & Lillian almost nightly, it is so strange...some of the dreams are just them playing and others are images of "milestones"- the first day of school, Christmas, and learning to ride there bikes! At first I would wake up and feel sad, but the last few nights there have been other children in the dreams too, and I wake up with a feeling that everything is going to be ok...and that they know we love them!

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?

Quotes and songs are the hardest for me. But I love the quote we chose for the memorial service booklet: Those we have held in our arms for a little while, we hold in our hearts forever...

I loved it from the moment I read it (we have debated on putting it on the monument)

This is so true, they will never leave my heart. When I first went back to work I had a customer tell me that she and her husband had gone threw a similar situation twenty years earlier, she said, "the pain is long gone, but I will never forget, my twins are always in my heart"

And there are probably a million songs that make me think of them, a million to many for me just to pick one.

Under the Tree - February

So these are my answers to this months Under the Tree Gathering. Thanks Carly for stating this! And thanks to everyone for reading!

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I haven't been blogging for very long...I guess I started around the first of February...I have wanted to do it for a while, but it just took me a while to decided to do it! I wanted to start blogging to get all of these things off my chest! I have a lot going on in my head and I need a way to get it out, so this looked like a good place, and so far it is. I want to connect with other women who have been/are where I am...I keep hearing that I am not alone on this journey, but I want to know it!

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
It is hard for me to share me real feelings with most people, including a lot of my family. Mr. K (my husband) is really the only person and I can say anything and everything too with out any fear what so ever. Most of my family doesn't understand what we are going threw and I get the feeling they think I should have moved on by now! At home I can be myself, I can stay in my PJ's if I want, I can eat a half gallon of chocolate cake batter ice cream with chocolate sprinkles if I want and no one, not a single person is going to tell me I can't and if they do (which they are bound too) Mr. K will tell them to get over it! And T has a better answer but, it is not appropriate here!

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
I have only read two books, and I am not sure that either them have given me new insight but they have help a little! The first my best cousin gave me (A friend of hers recommended it, it had helped her the year before!) and it is; Empty Cradle Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of your Baby by: Deborah L. Davis, at first I hated hated it! I read half a chapter, put it down and didn't pick it up for almost two months...but when I did it seemed to say a lot of things that I really felt and some how, it helped. The second book, Stubby sent me (She is the BEST and always so thoughtful, I miss you Stubby!)...and I have to admit, I haven't finished it...I really want to! But it is; Grieving the Child I Never Knew: A Devotional Companion for Comfort in the Loss of Your Unborn or Newly Born Child , the few devotionals that I have done really made me think...but some of the questions did not feel like they related to me...but I haven't given up on it yet!

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
Naive, happy-go-lucky, perky and young? I truthfully did not think things like this happened...well not to me! There was just know way anything was going to go wrong...we were all going to be one big happy family! I feel old now, I feel like I aged overnight! And I know I have become, well...a little bitchy! I am unhappy, and I definitely don't bounce around and smile all of the time! It is the new me, but I don't want to be this person for ever!! I won't be!

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
My coping, or lack of coping, changes from day to day! Some days I think I am doing just fine and other days, I have no idea what coping means! Today the road is half lit...most days it is dark, with small patches of light! I can see the light, I know I can, but it is fading and for the most part it is dark...very dark! In a year, I want to be strongly considering trying again/or pregnant...I really really hope to be there! I wish that is where I was now, but I'm not!