Fun Today!

Today was the first full day that B & D have been here...and we had a blast, even though it rained most of the day! We went to the Armand Bayou Nature Center. It was not our smartest decision, the mosquitoes were horrible! I'm not sure how we avoided getting carried away! But these are a few of my pictures from the day...and mind you I am not a wonderful photographer, they are just silly shots!

Every time I would try and take Mr. K's picture he made this funny face! Oh well!
This is D walking down the boardwalk...she and B are both infamous for not having there pictures taken...I have one picture of the two of them in the entire house! B avoided the camera tonight, but I will get him tomorrow....I have too!

First we saw a cute little turtle in an aquarium!Then we saw a whole family of turtles on a log! And this last picture is just a tree, but it was pretty. Because of all of the rain we have lots and lots of green! And lots and lots of flowers!

Any way we had a nice time today, I wish the girls had been with us (sans mosquitoes!), but we enjoyed ourselves! Tomorrow we are off to the beach...and if there is a place I am going to try and Write Calypsos Name!

DNA

I borrowed this from wonderful Courtney at The Peeks.

I know several other baby lost mommas have posted about this in the last day or so but I had to pass it on!


Did you know every time we carry a child, they leave their DNA in us? So if someone takes enough of our blood, they can find traces of every child we've carried within us, for the rest of our lives.

I love knowing this. Because I was pregnant with the girls and they are part of me...forever. You have your own indelible blueprint, your own map physically and permanently stamped inside you. They will always be mine, I will always be their mother. Not even their death can take that away. We will eventually come back together, but maybe this is just a beacon...

I think this is one of the best things I have EVER read! Just reading it has helped my heart!

Under the Tree - April

So these are my answers for the April Under the Tree Gathering, I know I am behind. But if you would like more info about the Under the Tree Gathering you can find it here. Thanks for stopping by and reading, it really means a lot to me!

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

We lost the Girls on August 27, 2008 so it has been 243 days today or 8 months! My grief has changed a lot at first I couldn't hardly get out of bed and then as time went on I got back into a routine and I started to feel better. But here lately I have been in this funk, and lets face it...it's been pretty bad! But especially over the last week I have felt a lot better, I have actually felt PERKY! It feels strange, but I like it! Life has been pretty tough, just thinking about things or going over things...it makes like tough, but I think I am getting to place where things move along at a good pace and I am not overwhelmed and I like it!

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

It depends, some days when I see pregnant women I get very emotional and some times even angry. I don't get angry at the women but at the whole situation in general...I guess I get angry at myself. Today I had jury duty and the States Attorney happened to be pregnant, very pregnant and as I sat there I was excited for her and I could tell how excited she was about it. So today is the first day I can say that I was not angry or upset about seeing or being around a pregnant woman.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

At first after the loosing the girls I just let myself be. But this spring working with my flowers and in the yard as really been good for me and also I thinking blogging has helped, even though everything I have blogged about lately has been sad! This past weekend Mr. K and I went to our first therapy secession and it went really well and I hope we enjoy going back and I hope we find some kind of comfort/peace but I know it will take a while.

I have been a busy gal...

It has been a LONG weekend! And I am so behind here in blog land, I haven't read a single blog since Thursday! I am going to try and play catch up tomorrow but it might have to wait until Tuesday...I'm performing my civic duty of being a juror tomorrow! Mr. K and I had the best weekend we have had in a long time! Friday night we had another flash flood and Mr. K and I were on our way back from running a few errands at 8pm, we couldn't even make it home! Mr. K left me in the car at the baseball park on the other side of our neighborhood and walked home got the truck and then came back and got me, he is such a trooper, we finally made it in the house at 1230am! On Saturday I went to the Annual Ladies Tea and Style Show at Church, I really go for my Granny and My Mom but it is still fun...I'll try and post some pictures of our fabulous table later. (Each table is sponsored by a different woman/group and they each decorate it - My Mom, My Granny and I did ours!) And then in the afternoon Mr. K and I went to our very first therapy session, it was fabulous! I really like the Dr. and I think it will really help us both to go! Today we went to a car show, and I will admit - I had a blast! And I got lots of sun! And after the car show we did a wee bit of shopping...yeah! I bought some clothes with color!! But it has been a long weekend and I am exhausted! So I am off to bed for now! But I promise I will catch up on all of these blogs I have missed over the weekend! And post some pictures!

We are going to have company!

I'm super excited! Mr. K and I are going to have house guest next week, the good kind! My very favorite cousin, B, and his wife, D, are coming to visit for a few days next week. I really enjoy B & D's company...we both do! I think I am most excited that they are coming becase they get it, they understand that we are upset and that we are not all gaga over babies and they do not question it. So it should be a nice relaxing few days, I think we might even go down to the beach! Anywho, I just thought I would share...can you tell I am EXCITED!! Hope everyone has a great afternoon!

So this funk, it has a cause....

Do you remember six weeks ago or so when I had emergency surgery? Well I was originally told it was just a cyst and no big deal, just part of life! But before I left the hospital the Dr. (who is not my normal OBGYN, but as I am unemployed and not covered on Mr.K's insurance I am stuck with, for now!) mentioned the possibility that the mass she removed may have been an ectopic pregnancy! She just said it so plainly and like she didn't really believe it so I put it in the back of my mind. It couldn't be possible right? But two weeks later when we went to the follow up at her office she mentioned that I had elevated pregnancy hormones, so she was pretty positive it had been a pregnancy after all, but she wanted to wait for the official report from the hematologist before she gave the final diagnoses! SO I have been sitting on this information for weeks now, figuring when the report came in I would get a call like she promised! So wait and wait I have done. Two weeks ago the nurse called to let me know that my numbers were back at zero and that I could start a different vitamin. While I had her on the phone I asked if the results came in and she said yes, but the Dr. had not read them yet so she could not give them to me! Ugh! But she assured me that she would get them to the Dr when she came back in she would take care of it personally. I never heard back from her, and yes I should have called myself, but I didn't...I figured I would be there this week and if it were important they would call.

So yesterday Mr. K and I went back to see the crazy woman, we waited on her over an hour, when she finally made it to me she had no idea who I was, she sat there for 5 minuets going over my file until she remembered and when she finally did she said "Oh yes! You are the emergency ectopic, your the one that has to be difficult!". I looked at Mr. K and said "Well I guess we have our answer!"! So as I sat there and as she was talking to me, I did not actually hear her I was just sitting there thinking and getting really upset! How likely is this? How often does something like this happen? And then I hear it..."yours is a case I would love to write about for my next journal article..."!!! You have to be kidding me, 5 minuets ago you didn't know who I was and now you want to write about me!! Um, NO! While she is gone to get some samples I realize I knew this was coming...I'm not shocked, I'm not surprised at all! I have known it in my heart for six weeks! I have been morning this loss for six weeks! I knew even when I didn't know, and it has just compounded what I was already feeling! It is completely different from loosing the girls, it doesn't even compare...but I am still sad, I still wish it had gone differently! But again it hasn't!

I feel OLD!

I know I have said this before but I feel like I have aged 15+ years over night! And for the last few days I have been noticing the effects. Plus my Mom said something about it, so here are my examples...let me know what you think!
Mr. K had a birthday last week, on Saturday we had friends and family over to celebrate...and we had a GREAT time! I really love being a Hostess and having a house full of guest and making a fabulous meal...it keeps my mind occupied! And that is exactly how Saturday was! Mr. K loves to play card games, so we all sat at the dinning room table and played games until the wee hours of the morning! And with Sunday being Easter we were up early for Church. So needless to say we didn't get much sleep! All week we have been in bed asleep no later than 9:30! But lets jump to last night...we are sitting on the sofa watching TV and it's a quarter till 8, we are both so sleepy we can barely keep our eyes open! So off to bed we went at 8pm! It has taken us almost a whole week to catch up on our sleep! That's NUTS! A year ago we were up until midnight almost every night, with no problems!

This weekend I have been invited to a friends Bachelotette party, they are going to be out an about down town all night, so I have declined...there is no way on earth I could stay awake all night...not even if I took a nap! Plus part of me, a lot of me, has no interest in going out "club hopping" or getting all dressed up!
Which brings me to what my Mom said!
I have always been pretty fashionable, I like clothes and I LOVE to shop and I LOVE LOVE LOVE bright fun colors and prints! But in the last few months I have become...drab! My wardrobe consist of black, white, and black! I have no desire at all to add any color or accessories. And if you have seen me lately you know it is pretty basic! But the other afternoon my mom had come over and I happened to be folding the laundry! So it was pretty obvious to see that all I have been waring is black and/or white! So we are standing in the kitchen and I am folding the clothes and she says to me, "Don't you think you would look a little better in some color, I mean your weight has really gotten out of hand and the black is not helping you! You always look so pretty in spring colors! I just don't think you are beeing you." I couldn't say anything to her, I just picked up the hamper and went to the bedroom!
Yes I know all I wear is Black! But the truth is most of the things I have in the bright fun colors don't fit and I am comfortable in the basics!
I know I have gained 50+ pounds! I don't need you to point it out!
Yes I know I need a hair cut! But oh well!
I don't look like myself! I know it!
I look old and boring because, I feel old and boring!

Easter Sunday

Mr. K and I did the respectable thing yesterday, we went to church. We don't go on a regular basis, but we do go from time to time and at holidays. But yesterday, it didn't go so well...for me at least. As we sat there and sang songs about life and new beginnings I got sad. I always imagined having the girls baptized on or around Easter, and then yesterday there was a baptism (if it had been a baby I would have lost it!) so then I started crying a little more especially when all of the little children gathered down front in their "Easter Best" to see the baptism up close! I almost had to get up...but I hate doing that, I know everyone sees me and then I wonder what they think! (Do they pity me? Do they think there goes that crazy girl? Or do they just think I have a problem with my bladder?) So I sat there and wiped my eyes trying ever so hard not to let anyone see. I made it thru the last half hour with only a few tears. And with, what I thought was, a stroke of genius we snuck out a side door to avoid the crowds gathering in the narthex. But as I did we stumbled upon an old friend who was just gushing with her husband and her ever growing baby bump, as I smiled and said my brief hello, I tried to get away but alas, I ran smack dab into a girl whom I have known for years and her very beautiful little girls in there matching white and pink dresses! At his point I bolted to and out the door into the rain as the tears just streamed down my face! I stood there holding the Easter Lilies my parents purchased in memory of the girls crying and getting soaked and all I knew is that I was angry!
Why can't things be easy? Why I can't I be one of those happy Women! Why are my girls dead? I feel like I am being punished...I feel like I have done something wrong and now I am paying for it! And yes I know that's not how God works, but it is just how I feel!
Is it wrong to be angry at myself and God? Is it wrong to turn and run from small babies and pregnant women?
Later in the afternoon the sun came out and Mr. K and I made our way down to the Cemetery to take the Easter Lilies and just go and sit, it really turned out to be a beautiful day. I was glad we had gone, and as we stood there I cheered up a bit...I just wish the day had gone differently, it is not the day I had in mind!

The Funk...Its gone...I hope!

So I have been in this funk lately...I just haven't wanted to do much of anything, I haven't even wanted to blog! But all of that has changed in the last day or two...I think Mr. K got me out of it on our spur of the moment trip this weekend, but that's for a different post!
It was Mr. K's birthday yesterday, poor thing had to work all day! But that gave me plenty of time to prepare...and we had a great time. We went to Star Cinema (its an old movie theater that has been converted so it is a restaurant inside a movie theater...they bring your food right to your seat!) and saw Fast & Furious, Mr.K is a big car guy so he LOVED it! Plus we celebrate birthdays for a week...we are having lots of friends and family over on Saturday for dinner...it should be a fun! We left for the movie a bit early because of traffic and construction, plus we wanted to make a stop at a little unfinished furniture place which is just a few blocks away from the movie theater and it turned out to be well worth it!
For a while now I have wanted to find a cedar chest of sorts to but all of the special things we have of the girls. But we have not had a lot of luck. We have been to about a dozen places, and we either didn't find anything or we found something we liked but it was way WAY out of our budget! So we went yesterday to this place and I didn't want to go...but then over in the corner...there it was EXACTLY what we wanted! And for a great price, I know that sounds silly being so concerned about price...but I never ever thought that something like this would be over a thousand dollars! We are going to pick it up one night this week, we were in the car and it wouldn't fit! So as soon as we get it...I am going to finish it and then I will post pictures!
So for now I think my funk is going away... I hope it is, I don't like this haze and funk that I have been in lately!
And in other news - Mr. K and I are taking dinner to my brother and sister in law tonight. I think it will be good for us. Plus little Colt is two weeks old today and we have yet to see him. In some ways it makes me feel horrible, but in others I know I can't go until we are ready. I know its going to be hard but it is time. But I will post about it tomorrow and let you all know how it went!

One last look at the roses...

I went out this morning to look at the roses...it is probably the last day they will be here, the wind is blowing pretty hard and I bet they are gone this afternoon. But while I was out there...I found itty bitty lemons on the new lemon tree Mr. K and I bought a month or so back! I am supper excited! So I thought I would share some pictures of the roses, I am really excited about how large they got. And it looks like we might end up with quite a few lemons, yummy I LOVE lemons!

And as I finish this post I realize that I have been posting a lot of pictures of my plants and things, I haven't been getting out very much...and there hasn't been a lot going on around here. Plus I just don't know what to write about. I feel like I am just in a funk in so many ways and I don't know how to get out of it! I guess in some ways I am just having trouble getting things off my chest - I am going to have to work on that!!