Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter Sunday

Mr. K and I did the respectable thing yesterday, we went to church. We don't go on a regular basis, but we do go from time to time and at holidays. But yesterday, it didn't go so well...for me at least. As we sat there and sang songs about life and new beginnings I got sad. I always imagined having the girls baptized on or around Easter, and then yesterday there was a baptism (if it had been a baby I would have lost it!) so then I started crying a little more especially when all of the little children gathered down front in their "Easter Best" to see the baptism up close! I almost had to get up...but I hate doing that, I know everyone sees me and then I wonder what they think! (Do they pity me? Do they think there goes that crazy girl? Or do they just think I have a problem with my bladder?) So I sat there and wiped my eyes trying ever so hard not to let anyone see. I made it thru the last half hour with only a few tears. And with, what I thought was, a stroke of genius we snuck out a side door to avoid the crowds gathering in the narthex. But as I did we stumbled upon an old friend who was just gushing with her husband and her ever growing baby bump, as I smiled and said my brief hello, I tried to get away but alas, I ran smack dab into a girl whom I have known for years and her very beautiful little girls in there matching white and pink dresses! At his point I bolted to and out the door into the rain as the tears just streamed down my face! I stood there holding the Easter Lilies my parents purchased in memory of the girls crying and getting soaked and all I knew is that I was angry!
Why can't things be easy? Why I can't I be one of those happy Women! Why are my girls dead? I feel like I am being punished...I feel like I have done something wrong and now I am paying for it! And yes I know that's not how God works, but it is just how I feel!
Is it wrong to be angry at myself and God? Is it wrong to turn and run from small babies and pregnant women?
Later in the afternoon the sun came out and Mr. K and I made our way down to the Cemetery to take the Easter Lilies and just go and sit, it really turned out to be a beautiful day. I was glad we had gone, and as we stood there I cheered up a bit...I just wish the day had gone differently, it is not the day I had in mind!


Courtney said...

It was such a hard day for us yesterday as well. It was our first holiday without our boys. The sadness has wafted over to today as well. =(


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