I have a Goal!

Last year when I started this blog in the back of my head I thought there was no reason in the world that I could not put up 100 or even 200 post in a year's time! I mean I have so many things running around in my head; this has got to be easy, real easy!

Boy oh Boy was I WRONG! Her; I am 16 days from my first blogversary and low and behold I have only posted 80 times! That really doesn't even seem possible, but it is very true! Go ahead look...it is right over there --------------->

I know I can't believe it either! Only 80 times, oh wait this will count as number 81! So this is my goal, I want to hit 100 by or on the 9th of February!! Meaning I have 20 19 post to put up in 16 days...1.1875 post per day, or I guess 6 post every 5 days...seems doable enough though, I guess! And I hope I don't end up just putting up pictures of Maggie to get there, actually I promise I won't! But please expect one or two!

So bear with me these next 16 days...any suggestions on what to talk about? Because to tell the truth as soon as I thought of this my head fell empty! And really if you know me at all you know I will talk/write about anything!

A new Friend...I Don't Think So!

Mr.K and I went to a friends house for a Rose Bowl/Dinner party. It was really nice to get out of the house and I was really looking forward to meeting one of the other couples that was going to be there because our hostess kept saying how much we had in common and she really hoped we could help each other and that intrigued me! So we went over and I had high hopes for how the evening would play out, I was really hoping to make a new friend. But that's not what happened. I left feeling angry and offended.

I met a woman, around my age and from what she told me she is struggling from infertility. As soon as this came up I understood what my friend & hostess had meant, and I was glad that she thought that maybe we could become good friends. But as we sat there and the night went on, I didn't feel that way at all. I felt like I was meeting a woman that was using her infertility and in a way that felt wrong and almost like she was making sure you felt sorry for her. Now don't get me wrong, I get that...I guess. But there were so many parts of her struggle that didn't add up.

They have been trying to conceive for over three years now, a point that she repeated again and again. She has spoken about their struggle to her OBGYN but did not follow his instructions. She did start taking the clomid that he prescribed but did not follow the instructions exactly. She knows she should see a specialist, but she won't go. She also knows she probably needs a new OBGYN, she won't do that either. (Her OBGYN has a reputation in our area from being old fashion and extremely wacky) I recommended her giving Dr. R a call and at least just meeting with him and getting his opinion but she didn't want to do that either!

I understand the whole being in denial thing so I thought if I told her our story she might consider making a change, if that really was what she wanted. But instead she made me feel like everything that happened with the girls was my fault! And that her problems were much worse than mine!!!! She even had the nerve to say that God had a way of taking care of things that aren't meant to be and my girls must have not been good enough to come here!!! Who says that kind of SHIT to a person! Even if you think it...who says it!

I can't say that I understand her struggle with infertility but I feel I am compassionate and understanding. For over a year now I have read so many of your stories of infertility and your struggles in getting pregnant again after a loss...but I never felt like you judge anyone that did not struggle to conceive and then lost a child, I don't feel like you judge at all. So how can she sit there and judge me to my face and say it was my fault!?!

I left dinner that night so angry I couldn't even think straight! I don't know how to deal with this woman and I don't want to! But twice now we have both been invited to dinner at our mutual friends house..and both times we didn't know they had been invited. The first time I only spoke when directly spoken too and avoided eye contact with her the entire time and shortly after dinner we politely made and excuse and left. The second time we arrived early and quickly learned they were coming! Like a baby I sent a text to my mom and asked her to call and make up and emergency to get us out of it! Thankfully she did and we left before they even got there! I feel like a coward! Who dose that! This is not who I am! But still I did it!

And I feel guilty!

And I am angry!

A Few Confessions

Well I really meant to do better at blogging then this, but I haven't!

I have wanted to write, I just don't seem to know how to right now...

I met a girl around my age at dinner at a friends house a few weeks ago and I she got me all flustered and irritated! I'm still mad about it, even though I swore to Mr.K it wasn't bothering me anymore! I have started a post about the whole thing I just haven't finished it yet...it is a work in progress!

Here lately every time I think things are finally going to right way...turns out they aren't!

I have been a bad friend to blog friends...I haven't been on here in almost a week! I'm doing my best to catch up now! I'm sorry if I haven't commented - sometimes I just don't know what to say!

I have been a bad friend to my IRL friends too...I don't know what to say to any of you either these days! Please bare with me.

I went to the Dr. this week because I have been sick and about had a conniption when I realized how much I weigh, I won't go into details...but if I was a bit taller I good probably play football! It made me sick and depressed and I ate ice cream to make myself feel better as well as made all kinds of snack food and baked goods! Go Me! I'm sure I gained another 5 pounds!

I want to get pregnant. Mr.K wants to have another baby, the truth is we just can't afford it. And I hate that! That makes the whole thing worse! Part of me doesn't even care!

I started having these strange and bad cramps last Thursday so I made an appointment to see Dr.R, even though I felt silly doing so, I feel am paranoid...but when I called the scheduling department she said they couldn't fit me in so I asked to be transferred to his nurse, she came to the line and was immediately concerned and squeezed me in! That made me feel better! I got there and Dr.R had been called to the hospital for an emergency...I'm going back tomorrow, I don't know why...the pains stopped I just want him to tell me everything is OK.

I have six loads of laundry I need to do. Mr.K might not have any clean jeans for work tomorrow but somehow I don't care!

I only got out of my PJ's today because of necessity and I was angry about it the whole time!

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This was not at all what I started out to blog about ..but I somehow feel better now!

Anything you want to confess? Feel free to do so...it is surprisingly refreshing, or at least I think it is!

2009 is Long Gone!

Wow! I really never meant to take such a long brake from blogging…I guess that just happens from time to time! And I never meant for this to be what I would write about, but oh well! I know exactly where I’ve been - right here at home, reading. I have a new love addiction obsession with Twilight. Yes I am a little embarrassed, but I can’t seem to get enough of these books. I did not really know anything about the books until I went back to work last year and the new girl that was hired while I was gone really REALLY loved them! And because she didn’t know me or anything that had gone on with the girls, we quickly became friends – I needed someone who would acknowledge my existence! When the movies came out she took a day of vacation so she could see the movie at midnight. And even thought she really had me intrigued it took me several months after the girls were born to start reading again and it was very far from the top of must read list. But this winter I have had a lull in my reading list and was looking for something to pick up. Thankfully BethAnne took care of that for me and bought the first two books for me for my birthday…which I was super EXCITED about! Any way here just a few weeks later I have read all four books and I find myself wishing for more! I even had to run to WalMart when we were visiting the Old Man for New Years to get book number three so I wouldn’t explode! And yes I feel very silly, but oh well! I wish I understood my love of these books but I don’t know what it is. I do know that in book two I really connected with Bella and her broken heart, which is EXACTLLY how I felt after the girls were born! The world was going on without me and I didn’t even notice! Even though some days I feel like I could so easily go right back to that place, if I wanted, but I feel so far from it at the same time. I really don’t want to go back to that place, I might not be super Happy either, but I am getting bye – and that’s all that matters! Right?

I have been doing my best to cheek in every few days and see what going on with all of you and doing my best to comment, even though I’m not always good at it…I’m hoping to get better. I am really thankful for this community, I really think it has gotten me a lot further then I couldn’t have gotten myself. And again I am truthfully thankful! I have high hopes for 2010 and I’m planning on being a little better at blogging regularly this year, but obviously I haven’t done so well thus far. I’m also planning on doing my best to get in to shape and lose some weight, I think I might join in Erika’s Skinny Tuesday…it really is a great idea! So that is my goal for next week!

Marie at My Expected End nominated me for an award weeks ago, and I haven’t gotten around to it yet…hopefully I will get to it today! If not soon, I promise! I don’t know if I am the only one that dose this but I have about a 10 different post partially composed in my head, I just need to sit down and write them out! One of which I am going to start as soon as I post this!
So Happy 2010! I know I am late, but oh well…Better Late than Never!

Wishing you a Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas! And Share a few pictures of Christmas around our house. This is a picture of The Trees we put up for The Girls. I'm really proud of how they turned out again this year...and I especially loves the tree skirts!This is our "big" tree. I looks so pretty at night! We decided with Maggie running around it would be best to put The Girls Trees on the table...and I agree!

I hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas tomorrow! I also wish I could have sent a Christmas Card to each of you but I can't...so this will have to do! I hope you enjoy!

Also I know this image is horrible, I think it may be time for a new scanner...but you get the idea!

My Birthday

Friday was my Birthday. I have always loved my Birthday; my parents made a point to differentiate between it and Christmas and in doing so made it a big deal. I loved it, I still do! In my mind your birthday should be the one day that you can do anything you want to and you should LOVE it!
My birthday also happens to be The Girls official due date, their original due date was Christmas Day but was changed to my Birthday at our 12 week ultrasound which Mr.K had predicted at our very first visit. Even though we knew there was no way I would make it to my due date and I had been "penciled in" to be induced on the 18th of November, I still always hoped to share my birthday with My Girls. And if you know me...you know I don't share, but still I couldn't imagine anything better! Giving Birth on my Birthday, sounds pretty amazing to me!
Last year on my Birthday I was a wreck, not only because I so badly wanted The Girls but because I had lost my job the day before. To tell the truth, I don't remember any of it! This year though I anticipated my Birthday with a bit of happiness, I have come so far in my grief and I have to admit I think I owe a lot of that to all of you. I woke up early that morning with sadness but as Mr.K and I ate breakfast and watched Maggie play I thought of My Girls and smiled...I miss them but I know they are loved and I know they are happy in heaven, and it is a wonderful place to be.

And the Winners are....

I had originally planed on doing this last night but time got away from us and it was so late that I couldn't do it, I had to go to bed! So as Mr. K was running out the door this morning I put all the names in a bowl and he picked the two winners!

And they are...

Congratulations to Marie W at My Expected End and Jus and Kat from In Dylan's Memory!

Please e-mail me at ka_hall at att dot net so we can work out what you want in your frames and I can get them in the mail to each of you ASAP!

Also I wanted to say a Big Thank you to everyone that commented yesterday, it was so nice to get on and read all of your wonderful comments! And it made me realize how important commenting is and how good it makes you feel! For a long time now I have "lurked" at many of your blogs and not commented but after yesterday I'm going to do my best to stop lurking!

Make sure to swing in Our Lives Forever Changed today and see what Susan is giving away!