The Secret Garden Meeting - July

The Secret Garden Meeting used to be known as Under The Tree. This is a place for hope, healing, acceptance, support, and most importantly a place to be free and safe. These are this months questions and my answers. Please join us!

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
I see the girls in Heaven. I always seem to think of them as toddlers, maybe even a bit older. I know that they are happy and that they are playing up a storm with some very dear friends of ours that are also gone from this earth too soon. Mr. K likes to say that they are getting into all sorts of trouble with these friends, that they are teaching them all kinds of crazy things and that they are having a blast! I hope that is true. From time to time I dream about getting the girls dressed for school, it is the first day and we are trying to get everything figured out. Here lately there are other children in this dream, I am hoping that is a good sign!

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
I am not sure yet. Maybe this is wrong of me but I do not consider the ectopic pregnancy from March a true pregnancy. It was over before it even started, I had not even gotten my head around the whole thing before I was whisked away to surgery. I keep hoping that we get to a point where we are TTC soon, but I know that will not happen. I do know that when we do conceive again things will be much different. There will be no stress from friends and family, Mr. K will NOT allow it! And I am almost positive I will put myself on bed rest almost immediately, if the Dr's don't do it for me! In several ways I am looking forward to trying again and in others I am very scared. But all of this is something I imagine is a long way down the road for us right now!

I am silly!

OK, so I am tech savvy in a few ways, but not when it comes to blog world! There are about a million things I want to do to my blog at the moment, to spruce it up a bit, but I have no clue how to do it! But while I was playing around just now, I finally figured out how to add a button from someones blog! I have tried several times, but never got it right!
One thing down...only a few thousand more to go!

I told you I was silly!
But I am oh so very proud of myself!
Hope everyone is having a GREAT day!

PEANUT!

And No I don't mean the Good Kind!

** A little back story for those of you that don't know me in real life!!**

Mr. K and I have a most interesting neighbor. We call her Crazy Cat Lady! She is in her mid to late forties and has lived at home her whole life, except for the few times when she has been in rehab, oh I guess I didn't mention that yet! She has a drinking/drug problem! She also knows no boundaries and will do anything to for money to buy beer or the drug of her choice! These things include; going through peoples personal belongings (in their homes, garages and/or cars) while pretending to look for "her cat" (a neighborhood stray), flat out asking for money or alcohol, and begging on the street corner! I do understand that some people do need help but she has crossed the line, way too many times!

Just a few examples!

When Mr. K and I first started working on this house last year she would walk straight in the back yard and just pretend we were not ever here! She would go look in boxes and even let herself in the house, all while she claimed to be looking for this cat...PEANUT! Long before we moved in we had a polite "chat" with her about respecting our privacy and property! It didn't work!
We would come home from work to find her sitting on our back patio drinking a beer! When we caught her, she would say "I'm looking for my cat!"!!! Our conversations continued to get more heated and more frequent until Mr. K Lost It!
We were getting ready for bed one night and Mr. K noticed what looked like a flash light shining in one of our back windows! I had had a really rough day at work, I was about 20 weeks pregnant and my stress levels were way way to high! He told me to stay put and not to come out side! He walks out of our back door and yells "CAN I HELP YOU! " She said "I lost my cat I need to find it!" From in the house I could tell she was drunk and I knew this wasn't going to end well! Long story short, I called the police department and they came out and escorted her off our property! She was furious! She ended up telling all of the neighbors that Mr. K pulled a gun on her! But after that we really did not hear much from her!

Until Saturday Night!

**If you know the back story START HERE!**

Mr. K and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie and we heard what sounded like fighting in the front yard, Mr. K went out the back door to see if he could figure out what was going on! All he could here was Crazy Cat Lady yelling and crying and what sounded like her calling the police! He stood outside for a few more minutes listening and didn't really hear much so he got up (he was sitting next to a bush between the houses) and he saw a police car pull up! Since we were not involved in any of it, he decided it best to come back in the house and wait it out! But when the police our involved he is even more impatient than I am! After about 2 minutes he said he was going to move his truck behind my car, for no reason! When he walked outside there were three, yes 3, cop cars! When he got back in the house he was really excited and he really wanted to know what was going on! Luckily he didn't have to wait long!
Before he even got set back down, there was a knock on the front door! Immediately I freaked out! I thought you have to be kidding me right, we didn't do anything!
Low in Behold it was a good Friend! And yes he is a Cop! He stood on the front porch while the other officers dealt with crazy cat lady. Apparently in her drunken rage she called 911 and told the operator that the neighbor's dog had eaten her cat! (Not us, the neighbor on the other side!) She told the cops that it was an emergency and they need to get out here immediately! Cop friend and Mr. K had a good laugh on the front porch, all the while Crazy Cat Lady was getting a STERN verbal warning! We went to bed in a really great mod, I know that's mean...but she is very annoying!
Today however, we found out that she told her mother that we called the police on her for no reason and it was all out fault that the cat was missing! And because apparently we are in first grade, her mother called my grandmother! Oh yes at 8:30am, on the dot, her mother called my grandmother! Luckily I had already seen her and told her everything that went on, so she set her straight, but can you imagine! First, Call the police completely intoxicated! Second, Call about a cat! Third, Lie about it! Yup Makes tons of since!!

Please don't think that I don't like cats, it is not that at all, I have just had to deal with her for over a year! And I really have had ENOUGH!

Working in the Yard!

So for the past two days Mr. K and I have been working in our yard! And I'm not just talking about piddly stuff I mean BIG stuff!
I don't know if I have ever mentioned this before or not but we live in the house directly behind my Granny and last fall my parents bought the house nest too us. They haven't moved in yet! Heck, they haven't even started working on it yet! Which is a very good thing! I don't know if I can handle my parents living right next door right now...or ever!
So all weekend we have been taking down the fence that is between the two houses, and let me tell you it has been tough work! It has been a super hot here for the past few weeks, record setting hot! And this weekend has been no different! But that is the good news!
Being outside all weekend and working so hard has really lifted my spirits! I'm not feeling so down in the dumps anymore! And I just wanted to apologize for my last post and my horribly depressed mod! I didn't mean to be so horrible, but I guess it just happens some days!
I'm feeling much better today, I'm just going to have to find a way to make it last! And I just know I am going to find a job soon!

BIG BLACK HOLE!

I don't even know where to start today! I feel like I have either fallen or jumped to the very bottom of a big black hole!
I need a job in the worst way! And I can't seem to find one, no matter what I do! I have called and e-mailed all of my contacts and former coworkers...NOTHING! I'm going CRAZY being at home alone all day! I have nothing to do, I mean there is only so much laundry I can do!
For the past three days I have sat in my living room watching TV in my pajamas until just before Mr. K is going to be home, then I hop up and take a shower and get dressed!
I just can't get out of this hole!
August is getting here faster than I want. I'm not ready for it to be here yet! But I can't stop it!
I had to sign Mr. K and I up for insurance during his companies summer enrolment yesterday and because I have never been on his insurance before I had to fill out an EOI form! It was HORRIBLE! They wanted detailed information of everything medically that has occurred in the past 24 months! EVERYTHING! And because my brain is not working all that well these days I had to pull my medical records (Yes, I have me own copy of all my medical records!) and look a few things up, which made me realize that yesterday last year was the day we found out the girls were girls! Which made filling out that stupid form all that much worse!
And with August getting here I keep realizing how much not having a job hurts me! Last October before I went back to work, Mr. K and I sat down and worked out a plan. A plan that I never figured we would stick too, because I knew neither of us could wait. Last year we decided that we would wait until our anniversary to start trying, but then when I got back to work we changed our minds! I was right, we couldn't wait! But then I lost my job...so we were back to August, and how we ever thought that was a good idea...I don't know! But now we can't try...I don't have a job!
All I want to do is sit here on the sofa and maybe eat some ice cream! But I can't! That's not going to get me a job! That's not going to get me threw The Girls Birthday! And it is sure not going to get me out of this stupid hole!

I want my old life back!

WTF

So I got a letter in the mail today, the same letter I am sure the other 30,000 residences in this crazy city got. A letter from the city and the EPA. A letter about our water quality, last year. And what do I find on the last page of this letter? A notice! A notice that lets us know that for two months in 2008, April and May, the City and EPA "did not correctly monitor our water" and it may have contained contaminants that were particularly harmful and/or deadly to children, the elderly, and pregnant women and their unborn children...Well that sure makes you think doesn't it?

Last April and May that was me! I was pregnant! My girls, my precious girls were inside me trying to grow big and strong! And this damn city, a city that can be bothered with recycling, didn't monitor the water it was sending to our houses! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE! HOW CAN THEY DO THAT?

You know I thought I had finally gotten to a point where I wasn't furious at my body for flaking out. I thought I had finally gotten to a point that I wouldn't be angry at myself anymore! And now someone comes along and says we might have exposed you to something that was harmful! You know just casual, like it was no big deal!

And yes I know it is quite possible that whatever was in the water didn't have anything to do with our situation. And I know there is no way we will ever know anything any different, but still! I am ANGRY! I am MAD! And I am HURT!

I wish that letter never got put in my box!