Under the Tree - March

These are my answers to the March Under the Thee Gathering, if you want to know more about the Under the Tree Gatherings you can visit here. Thanks again Carly, I think this an amazing thing! And Thanks to those reading, it is nice to know you are there!

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?

I must admit when I first read this question I said to my self "No! No! How can I not have a place for Adison & Lillian", but then I remembered I do have a place! It is a new addition to the house, Mr. K and I just finished it a week or so ago!

I sent the images of the girls names in the sand (Thanks again Carly!) to the photo lab, framed, and hung them in our bedroom. And every night before I go to bed I blow the girls a kiss! I miss them, but now I feel like they are closer...that they are with us more these days!

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

I most defiantly believe in an afterlife, I believe that our girls have some very special people taking care of them, while we are apart. And that one day we will all be reunited. I see "signs" from them all over the place, just this morning I noticed two perfect little roses budding together on my rose bush outside of the kitchen window, and it made me smile and think of them! (I would take and post a picture but, it is raining like you would not believe outside!)

I have started dreaming about Adison & Lillian almost nightly, it is so strange...some of the dreams are just them playing and others are images of "milestones"- the first day of school, Christmas, and learning to ride there bikes! At first I would wake up and feel sad, but the last few nights there have been other children in the dreams too, and I wake up with a feeling that everything is going to be ok...and that they know we love them!

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?

Quotes and songs are the hardest for me. But I love the quote we chose for the memorial service booklet: Those we have held in our arms for a little while, we hold in our hearts forever...

I loved it from the moment I read it (we have debated on putting it on the monument)

This is so true, they will never leave my heart. When I first went back to work I had a customer tell me that she and her husband had gone threw a similar situation twenty years earlier, she said, "the pain is long gone, but I will never forget, my twins are always in my heart"

And there are probably a million songs that make me think of them, a million to many for me just to pick one.

They Just Don't Get It!

So the SiL had the baby today and they just don't get it!
My parents have turned themselves inside out to be there and be as "supportive" as they can, even though for all accounts it has seemed that they were unwanted!
Please don't think I am angry at my brother and his wife for having a baby or the baby for that matter. Somewhere deep down inside I am excited for them, I think it is wonderful...but right now I just can not be happy, I just can not!!
I wish my parents understood that I can not be a part of it, I don't want to see the pictures, I don't want to go to the hospital, I don't want to arrange things for them. I don't want to be part of it! However I have spent my day answering calls, emails and text messages about what has gone on. I know they are excited...I know they are, but I am not!
My eyes sting, from crying and all I want to do it hold my girls. I want Adison and Lillian here! I want to take them to meet there new cousin! I don't want it to be this way...why does it have to be this way? Why can't life be fair? And why can't my family accept the fact that I am not ready for this? I know it is here and I have been doing my best to prepare for it for weeks, but I am not! I do not know how to be!

My Mom

My brother and his wife are having a baby...it is due any day now...my parents are excited! More excited then they were for Mr. K and I when the girls were on there way, so lets think how that makes us feel. I mean seeing as my brother and his wife want little to nothing to do with our family. But apparently it doesn't matter how I feel about it! It doesn't matter so much that when I was in the hospital last week my mother and cousin organized and planned a baby shower that I, the one recovering from surgery is co-hosting! Oh yes that is right I am co-hosting a shower...with out any desire to do so! But tonight I finally had enough...

My mother called and was asking me something about SiL's due date, and I flat out said...I don't know and I really don't care. I didn't mean this to sound as harsh as I know it did but oh well!
So when my mom came to bring dinner tonight I wanted to make sure I apologized for being so rude to her on the phone. So I said "I didn't mean to be snippy on the phone earlier but do you understand why we don't want every detail about the birth?" and she looked at me and said "Oh yes, I understand and I am sorry." to which I said "Really you understand...then why am I hosting this shower on Saturday?" and her reply "Well I just thought you were past this by now, you know I thought you had moved on!". At this point I couldn't control my self...I was yelling at her! What I know for sure that I said was "7 months, 7 months...that is enough time for me to get over losing my daughters...I should be over it? Really! Well I'm not! And I'm not about to be!" My mother doesn't deal well with confrontation so she just walked away...which let me tell you made me more ANGRY then I want admit.

So not only dose my mother not understand why I didn't want to host this shower...she thinks that I should be over the loss of Adison and Lillian! Has she lost her mind? I am her daughter, I am the one that would cry weeks after something bad would happen as a kid...I never ever was quick to get over something! And there is no reason that I should be "over" the loss of my daughters! Why can't she understand! I wish she understood! She is my mother! I am excited for my brother and his wife, but right now I just don't want to be part of it!

Didn't see that coming!

So we went to the Dr. this morning for my first, of many, follow ups. I was really excited because it meant I got my staples out...my body doesn't agree with staples! The staple removal went well, and truthfully I felt much better! But what I didn't see coming was what was said when we sat down in the Dr's office to go over everything and discuss my ongoing recovery and treatment. While we sat there the Dr was going over everything to expect and what I can and can't do, etc. but then he shocked us! He put me on birth control, to give my body a brake. Which I understand, for a while, but what I don't like is he wants me to be on it on it for a minimum of a year! He would prefer 18 months, but he would be happy with 12 months! I know it is not something to complain about, I mean I got to keep all of my parts, but still a minimum of a year before I can stop the birth control! This is ridiculous! Totally not what I wanted! But I guess/I know I can live with it!

It is nice to be home!

I have been home for a couple of days...and it is verry nice! I really can't do a whole heck of a lot but it is verry nice! Mr. K has been awesome, he has picked up all the little stuff arround the house and done laundry, and I know I have been the biggest pill but I don't know what else to do! I can't do any of the thngs I want to do and I can't do my chors! I just feel like a big idiot!

So its been a rough couple of days!!!

Monday afternoon I started having these horrible cramps and at first they would come and go. But around 5pm they just persisted and then they started getting worse, but by this point they were on my right side and I was completely nauseous, so my parents - with there infamous wisdom just knew it was an appendicitis. So off to the local ER we went! Big! Big! Big Mistake! So as we sat in the ER from about 8pm, my pain just kept getting worse and it was creeping up my side! Just after midnight, while we were still in the waiting room, a nurse came in and took my blood. And then just after 2am they asked for a urine sample. By this time almost every other patient, you know the ones with coughs and sniffles, had all been taken back. So finally just after 3:30am they took me back and put me in a room. We sat there for about 20 minuets and then they came to get me for a ultrasound, the Dr. (whom I still had not seen) thought I had kidney stones. The ultra sound took about 40 minuets so that puts us around 4:30! Luckily on the way back to my bed the nurse caught me to go to have a pelvic exam, so at this point I am getting a little concerned...why do I need a pelvic? and aren't CTs better for kidney stones? But I didn't know...I'm not a Dr. you know! So after they got me on this ridiculous contraption for the pelvic exam, it was old and antiquated, the nurse called for the Dr...about an hour later she finally showed up! So yes for an hour I sat with me feet in the stirrups freezing my ass off! So she did a pelvic exam and then left with out saying so much as a word to me! Oh let me tell you FUN! So I get back to my bed about 6am, and I finally laid down to get comfortable...so I thought! About 6:45 just about every nurse in the ER was out side of my curtain, and I heard one ask, "Has the Dr. been in yet?" to which the other said "No, she is on her way" About 5 minuets later the ER Dr. returned. With the first real news all night: Apparently I had quite a large cyst that seemed to be attached to my right ovary, and it had ruptured, they were now going to rush me to emergency surgery! Over the next few minuets, every nurse and tech in the ER made their way into my room, they checked my bp and temp, took my blood, started an iv (with some difficulty). At 7:15am Dr. Roberts, the on call OBGYN, arrived to perform the surgery. She quickly went over the situation with us, and gave us the most likely scenario, I would lose my right ovary. The worst case scenario, I would lose everything! (At that point I started crying!!) And there was a small possibility she thought that I might to keep everything, but she couldn't promise anything and she thought it was highly unlikely. So 10 minuets after meeting her the nurses moved me to surgery...and I left a teary eyed Mr. K holding my belongings, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done! It still hadn't hit me as to what all was going on! I was completely freaked out! I don't remember much from this point...I was getting lots of drugs to sedate me and make me comfortable. I woke up just before 9 in the recovery room and I was crying...I'm not sure why but I was! And I couldn't help it, or stop! Around 10am they moved me up to my room, where Kevin and several of our family members were waiting! At that point I still had no idea what all had gone one...so I asked! Apparently I had a cyst the size of a football attached to the outside of my right ovary that had ruptured. They removed the cyst and just over a liter of blood that come out of it, but the best part...I got to keep EVERYTHING! I can't tell you how excited that made me! I don't know if I have ever been that happy! But so here I am two days later (FYI it has taken me almost a whole day too get this typed) and it looks like I might get to go home today! I never realized how much you use your abdominal muscles, and moving around is not the easiest thing..but this pain is nothing compared to what it was! At this point I am just ready to go home! But it is apparently going to be a pretty long recovery, they were not able to use the scope so I have a large incision and a slew of staples! Oh What fun!

I'm torn..

So Mr. K and I went to a weeding this weekend and it surprised us how hard it was. Not that everyone knows but, Mr. K and I got married 11 days before Adison and Lillian were born, so they were with us...and that was something, and still is something that we enjoyed and treasured!(But that is something for a different post!) So this weekend we were at this weeding of a family friend that we also attended High School with and, as expected, we saw several classmates, most of whom had babies. Not to mention that we were with my brother and his wife who are expecting their first child in just a few weeks. (C looks like she is about to pop by the way!) So any way no one actually asked, but we got the look (the look that says "oh, do you have children?") several times...and I know they wanted to ask, but they didn't, thank goodness!! But then on the way home we were talking, Mr. K new something was bothering me, about the what-ifs (I know it is NOT GOOD!) but we both said that we wouldn't have gone to the weeding, if everything had gone as planned, the girls would just be 4 months old and it was just to loud and crowded! I know I think to much...but that made me think, yes technically with my due date (December 18th, my birthday), they would just be 4 months old, but we knew they would most likely be early (around Thanksgiving), but what if they had lived (it is possible right?)? So what day do I use, for the most part I go with there birthday...but there are all of these other dates...what do you do? Not that I need an excuse to think about the girls or go out to the cemetery or do something in their memory, but I want a special day! And I do have a special day, the day I got to meet my precious angels, but I had all of these expectations for their birthday and holidays, etc. And Mr. K well he just knew they were going to stick it out and come on their due date...he said it would be just his luck! And as much as I don't like to share my birthday, I was willing to share it with them! I want to share it with them! Why can't things go like they are supposed to? Why is everything such a struggle? And why do I feel like I am being punished?